It's because I'm a girl right?
Of course it is.
I'm writing this eating McVities Digestives and Ribena with tear marks on my face. Yay.
I've been going through a lot lately. Bu let's be honest. Who isn't? I don't even think I'm going through a lot. Fuck it. I'm definetly not. I'm probably just a lazy loser who gaslight herself into thinking she's depressed. If I am, I'm really FRICKING good at it.
Anywho, as embarrassing as this is to admit…until past 6 pm this evening I had not taken a shower since yesterday morning before church. I consider myself a clean person. Or at least I can be. I'm obsessed with personal grooming and skincare and my bathroom cabinet can testify to that. But sometimes, more often than not lately, I don't act that out. I bedrot. I sleep off after promising myself to go shower. I cry about being a pig but can't get up. Actually, I can but my brain doesn't let me. But whatever, this is normal.
Seasonal depression is normal…right?! “I'll get out if this eventually” I think to myself.
“I'll read tomorrow”
“I'll mop my room tomorrow”
“I'll arrange my wardrobe tomorrow”
The days keep ending but tomorrow never comes. But you know, whatever.
I'd been craving a little snack for a while and after getting dressed I decided to go get something from the store on the street beside my house to fix that craving.
I put Vaseline on my lips, grabbed my earphones and went out the gate. My sexist, weirdo grandfather was sitting outside when I went. I wasn't hiding anything or going to do anything I wasn't supposed to so I didn't act any different. I put on gossip girl and continued to walk to the street.
Note that I live in a very enclosed estate. Besides the pedos, it's actuality a pretty decent and safe place to live.
I was on my way watching gossip girl and thinking of what drink to get then I got there in less than 5 minutes. I was waiting for the person in front of me when I saw my mom calling. I was like “weird” because she has barely talked to me since yesterday and locked herself in her room all day but that's a whole different story. I picked up and in the bitchiest ‘worse-than-Regina-George-bitchiness voice my mom asks me “Where are you?” Bitch, where have you been all day?
I answered and she proceeded to tell me to get back home immediately because my grandfather said that I can't go on walks after dark without my THIRTEEN YEAR OLD brother. Tell me you're trying to ragebait me without tell me you're trying to ragebait me.
I tell her okay and end the call. I'm about to pay for my stuff when she calls me back talking bout some “Why didn't you answer me? I'd you heard me why didn't you answer me? Instead you just ended the call without any reply. If you haven't noticed I'm not feeling well and I don't want to hear any shit from anybody. Get home at once.”
Girl, have you been drinking? Sho wa alright? I was so confused but okay. She said that I wasn't allowed to leave the house after dark without telling her. Something I've done a million times o but because her bitch of a father who my brother caught watching porn some days ago sent her a message she's going off like my ex when I gave him head. Abeg abeg abeg.
I got home and suddenly everyone's eyes stop working and keep asking me “where did you go?”. Can you not see the biscuit and Ribena in my hands? God if you're real I'd really like to have a word with you ‘cause there's no way I was destined to endure this shit.
My grandfather said that we aren't as safe as I think we are and I can't go walking around after dark without my brother.
I think it's so dumb, idiotic and perverted that men deem it fit to approach women on their own. Why should the presence of a man dictate my safety? Bitch please. Once I get my gun it's over for you fools. Grr pow is all you'll be hearing.
My grandmother came too. “Nne, where did you go?”. At this point I wanted to ram my head into my door handle but restraint is a beautiful thing.
Whar pisses me off is that my brother goes out at this time all the time to get snacks or get something from his friends. Meanwhile, I talk to no one in this estate. No one. The only person I know here is my girl bestie and she is currently fighting for her life in uni (she's a law student).
The problem with the world is not just pedophiles, racists and sexual assault ers. The problem is also people like this who have been conditioned into thinking this is life and create spaces where it's normal to be around these people.
I will not cover myself up in fear of getting raped. I will not stay home once it's dark. I will not be submissive or not “talk too much”. I will be loud. I will serve cunt and I will be me. This is why I've never told any of them about the pedos that have approached me. It's because I know that they'll turn it around and give me some if not most of the blame.
Ah shit, I don't even have a funny image. Wait…..
Okay, I'm back. These are all images I relate to right now.
By the way, my brother JUST begged me for money to go buy snacks and no one thought to tell him no but okay. I see how it is.
Okay, bye. Muah or whatever.